Friday, October 13, 2006

Some day I'll fly

Friday afternoons *sigh*.

Having one of those "hmmn-I-should-have-been-a-foreign-diplomat-and-travelled-the-world-or-gone-into-management-for-an-Italian-menswear-company-and-spent-my-days-ball-breaking" moments. The kind that I often have when I feel suffocated by living in a small town and realising that very few of my brains and skills are being utilised and that I am in severe danger of losing any ability I once had at being able to speak not just a second but a third and fourth foreign language. Anyway I have found the perfect song to listen to whilst futilely attempting to reject such negativity. Although it's from one of his older albums, Heavier Things, John Mayer's Bigger than my Body is an accurate representation of that waiting for something to happen feeling that myself and so many of my friends seem to be experiencing. That desparate desire to break out of the mould of the 9-5, materialistic world,; knowing that there is something bigger, (because it's not necessarily better, right?)and that there has to be a role we're supposed to be playing in moving forward to a freer, more spiritually unified yet more tolerant and understanding way of life. Feeling suffocated by situation and responsibility, by the here and now, knowing that I am capable of so much more and yet feeling totally powerless to do anything about it. One of my favourite books is Sartre's La Nausée, (perhaps in light of this blog entry I am in fact reading too much Sartre) and in it there is always the notion that an event should be a life-changing moment and in a way it is and yet it isn't..."But for me there is neither Monday nor Sunday: there are days which pass in disorder, and then, sudden lightning, like this one. Nothing has changed and yet everything is different." It's uncanny how his writing seems to creep its fingers into my subconscious and poke me right where vulnerability meets emotion.
My friend, Renée commented on hope being something too many people rely on when they should be taking action which I totally agree with, but I don't know how else to describe the feeling of the words in Bigger than my Body - maybe I should broaden my vocabulary...inspirational, motivational, promising, words to spur me into action rather than sitting on the hope of them?
A little too egotisically esoteric for the start of the weekend perhaps so here are the words to the song (bridge and chorus)...

Yes I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fuse to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be so damn much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll gladly go down in a flame
If a flame's what it takes to remember my name

Yes I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped...

1 comment:

varresa said...

It sounds like just a few blocks away in the Innocent/Schreiber household, similar conversations and, dare I say, breakdowns are happening as over here on Beaver Ave. I am commending Chris for his break from Sweetwater and his attempts to bring us closer to the life we dream of living, but I know it all takes time...and all I can ever think is, what do I do in the meantime? I feel like I just sit around dreaming and planning the life I know is around some corner, with no desire to embrace a life here. Chris and I have tried to abandon "hope" that our future is going to be a certain way and instead are trying desperately to make it so by action, but despite it all, I too feel trapped, grounded, clipped by the burden of the time it's going to take us to get there...